Several Steps into the Journey A.K.A Sorry I haven’t Been Writing Consistently

Hey! It’s A.K., again. Several steps and almost a year and a half into the Journey. I’m sorry I’m not a consistent writer/poster. I’m going to work on that and try to use this as a journaling space and maybe actually SHARE the trauma I’m journeying through. Maybe it’ll help someone out there.

Physically the Journey took us through several states in 2023. We went to Nevada a lot. Vegas and Wendover for the most part. Then we went through a bunch of states to go to Texas for Thanksgiving with family and Wisconsin for Christmas with family on the other side. Both trips were eventful. I should’ve been writing about them. Lol!! On our way to Wisconsin, we went through South Dakota and went by Mount Rushmore. It was ok to see, I guess. The disrespect, though, to do that. Just.. idk.. Anyway, there was a pretty bad snowstorm we were driving through. My incredible fiancé (at the time, we got married in October), who was not accustomed to driving in the snow, was driving with cruise control on. We hit a patch of ice/snow and slid off the road into a ditch on the side of the road, the back end of the vehicle (SUV) attached to the wooden barrier fence. It was scary, but we got through it. AAA came and towed us out. The only real damage was the bumper came off and some cosmetic damage. Neither of us was badly injured. The kicker was that by the time anyone showed up, all the snow had melted, and it was a sunny day.

January 2024 one of my biggest dreams came true and I moved back to my hometown of San Diego, CA with my middle school sweetheart! So, I guess it’s two dreams in one. We got an amazing opportunity to rent a condo for a reasonable amount and we jumped on it. We loaded up the SUV with what we felt we needed and drove through another snowstorm (it was fuckin scary y’all) and moved to San Diego on our 26-year anniversary of being friends/knowing each other. It was fucking surreal. Our condo is perfect BTW. Life is perfect!

Since being back home in San Diego, I’ve had a couple of jobs. But, because my life is so perfect in every other way, my mental health has really struggled. The trauma is starting to really bubble up. The cPTSD has taken ahold and seems to be controlling my brain. My mom is dead. She can’t hurt me anymore. She’s not here to not be there for me anymore. She’s not here to put me in dangerous situations anymore. But it feels like her ghost is haunting me. So, I’ve decided to write a book telling the truth about her. What it was like growing up with her. For myself to heal. But also, for my brother to know why I didn’t leave. I couldn’t leave him with her. I should’ve left when I was younger. I should’ve taken him with me. But her brainwashing had already taken effect on him when I did leave. On me. Now my little brother hates me. Wants nothing to do with me. Wishes I was dead. He deserves to know the truth about her. My past with her. Our sister’s past with her. Not what she made it sound like, and I just went along with because I was already brainwashed. Y’all, she was basically a cult leader.

So, that’s where I’m at now. Dealing with my mental health. Hopefully going back to school. And writing a book about my mom, healing from her trauma, and the freedom that her death brought me. The intention is to use this space to document that journey and the trauma. I suppose for this blog to be popular you need the juicy bits of the trauma. I guess I can do that. I want my book to sell, after all. Lol! I hope you all are along for the ride. Please feel free to leave comments or notes of encouragement, I could use those. Also feel free to leave the hate out. I do not need that. Thank you for reading. Stay safe out there.

-A.K.

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