Trying Hard to Persevere

Hey, everyone, it’s A.K. again. I really need to get better at writing consistently. Life has been pretty OKish. I’ve been dealing a lot with my mental health, Finally! As previously written, and in the title of this blog, I’m dealing with a lot of trauma. Mostly from my mom, but other places too. I have BPD, a lot of anxiety, cPTSD, ADD, possible Autism, “Broadcasting Thoughts”, intrusive thoughts, and who knows what else. I just started therapy last Friday and have appointments for once a week going forward. I deal with a lot of self-sabotage as well. I’ve always done it, but I’ve never cared before. But now I have an amazing wife, my dream girl since middle school, and I don’t want to self-sabotage anymore. I don’t want to destroy what I have. I’ve literally never been happier than I am now; than I have been in the past three years. And I’m so afraid of destroying it, it’s paralyzing me. I actually care this time. I’ve never cared before. With anyone in the past, I’d just go down the self-destructive path. I don’t want to self-destruct this time. I’m realizing I’ve been on self-destruct auto-pilot for my whole life. My brain has just been trying to find ways to fuck up my life for me, and I’ve gone along with it. Now, I’m fighting it. I’m turning off the auto-pilot, but it’s hard to steer, and I slip back into auto-pilot quite easily or pretty quickly. I don’t even realize I’m doing it. But I can do hard things. My mom used to say a Black Cloud followed me. I’ve always been pretty negative or had pretty negative intrusive thoughts. I’ve had a negative outlook on life for as long as I can remember. But Life is pretty fuckin sweet for me now. My Spouse is my middle school sweetheart, the girl whose picture I carried in my wallet for far too long, my best friend, my favorite Blessing. Instead of getting frustrated with my craziness, She’s understanding, supportive, and patient. We moved back to our hometown and have a great condo here. We can go to the beach anytime we want. We take our dog to the dog park, and she’s an amazing dog mom. We never want for much. We live in California with legal cannabis. And I just enrolled in College, starting Spring Semester. Just Blessings upon Blessings. But my brain is still so negative. I used to write what I was Grateful for every day. I fell out of that practice. Maybe there’s a correlation?

I want to start working on my novel again, maybe make it a graphic novel. But it’s supposed to be a story of hope; perseverance. How does one write about hope and perseverance when all they saw was their mom create their own disasters, then give up when it got too hard. She never persevered. But my wife reminds me constantly that my mom was the anomaly. I come from a long line of strong stubborn women. I was born to be a rebel. My mom just tried to brainwash it out of me. She isolated me as a teenager. When she saw I had a way out, she doubled down. My whole life I’ve only been able to be close to a handful of people. I don’t know how to make friends and I’m kind of awkward in conversation. My mom didn’t show me very good examples of friendship, either. It’s hard to rebel when you don’t have a support system. As a teenager, the one person I thought I had, betrayed me. I thought I was grateful for it at the time. What was I thinking of, running away from home? She told my mom my plan. So, I wasn’t able to get away from her. I thought my lot in life was taking care of my mom and brother. I thought that was it for me. Doing whatever my mom wanted me to. I didn’t think I could have what I wanted. I didn’t think I could have the life I have now. The worst part is, the person who was closest to me, the one who told my mom, we drifted apart, and I lost her. I had always imagined I’d be with her. The girl who took my virginity, so to speak. Hard to learn to persevere. But I’m learning now. I’ll learn how to stop the self-sabotage. I’ll learn how to stop the auto-pilot and steer correctly. I do have hope now.

I really should outline these blog posts… Meditation, a Gratitude Journal, therapy, and continuing to take my meds. Getting back into my Spirituality (pagan, with a particular deity(s)), getting the executive dysfunction under control, doing things with intention. I think these are the things that will help me. Hopefully this rambling post of my thoughts helped someone out there. I guess if you were to take away anything, it’s “it does get better, but you have to change your mindset, too.” Until next time, hopefully it’ll be sooner, A.K.