Just Checking In

Hey! It’s me, A.K. I just want to check in. I wrote an essay for my English class along the lines of my previous post. But it was about how I hid in isolation because of who I am; how I present. Because that’s what I did for so long. It didn’t help that my mom kept me trapped in isolation and that was part of it. But I stopped fighting her because of the looks I got back in Utah. I’m so accustomed to those looks, my body feels the trauma from it and expects them here, in San Diego. I’m afraid to be myself. Because of the looks, and the comments. I’m getting some new clothes. And a haircut. I think that’ll help me feel better. Help me feel more comfortable being me.

I also realized I just rush from class to class, not even looking at the flyers posted around campus, that could be announcing clubs that I may be interested in. I really want to join a club. We (my wife and I) figured out it comes from always having to be somewhere my whole life. Not being allowed to just be out. I had to check in every two hours when I went out, which was limited; and on my way home, I better not dilly dally. I had a very strict curfew. If I broke it, I was restricted further in what I was allowed to do. Would you believe it was basically like this as an adult, too?? Now I don’t feel comfortable going out just to go out. Or taking my time like I did as a teenager. When I didn’t give a fuck. I walk so fast now. I used to walk so slowly. I used to stride. Now I practically fucking run.

I’m trying to apply what I’m learning in College Success to my life. I’m learning to change the voices in my head. From the Inner Critic (Inner Saboteur) to the Inner Guide. The Inner Critic is the one talking so much shit to me. Always putting me down and saying all the negative things. Sometimes it’s the Inner Defender. Mostly the Inner Critic, though. The Inner Guide is so quiet right now. But it’s my voice of reason. The voice of hope. The one that says the positive things. The one that should have the last word. At least, that’s what I’m trying for. I’ve also been trying to replace the negative intrusive thoughts with positive affirmations.

I think I’ve decided on my major(s)/future. I’m double majoring in Business and English to transfer to double major in Business Administration and Comparative Literature. I want us to open our café/lounge/guild and I want to write. I really think my future is in writing. That’s where my talent is. I want to get the P&K project storyboarded by 4/19 and a finished issue by 6/28. We’ll see if I get it done. But I’m really determined. I really want to open our storefront by 2030. So, I want to take the classes and the steps that will prepare me (us) for that.

I know this wasn’t a very deep post. Just kind of a check in of where I’m at; what I’m doing. I’m trying to stay consistent with these blog posts. I wish I knew people out there were reading them. That people were getting something from me pouring my heart out. I guess it’s enough to pour my heart out, though.