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Just Checking In

H ey! It’s me, A.K. I just want to check in. I wrote an essay for my English class along the lines of my previous post. But it was about how I hid in isolation because of who I am; how I present. Because that’s what I did for so long. It didn’t help that my mom kept me trapped in isolation and that was part of it. But I stopped fighting her because of the looks I got back in Utah. I’m so accustomed to those looks, my body feels the trauma from it and expects them here, in San Diego. I’m afraid to be myself. Because of the looks, and the comments. I’m getting some new clothes. And a haircut. I think that’ll help me feel better. Help me feel more comfortable being me. I also realized I just rush from class to class, not even looking at the flyers posted around campus, that could be announcing clubs that I may be interested in. I really want to join a club. We (my wife and I) figured out it comes from always having to be somewhere my whole life. Not being allowed to just be out. I had t...
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You Can't Take the T Out

I have always had a complicated relationship with gender. I’m AFAB, but even when I was a baby, people said what a cute little boy I was. My mom would dress me in pink dresses and they would say how cute her baby boy was. I didn’t have hair until I was two years old, so I’m sure that didn’t help. As a child, I grew up with the dreaded question, “Are you a boy or a girl?” Mostly from kids being little shits on the playground. I heard it in their tone. When I would answer, they didn’t believe me, or they would say something rude. So, I started responding with, “Why?” They would counter with, “Because I want to know,” I would say “Why?” again, over and over until they gave up, exasperated. I was exasperated, by fourth grade. I was a girl, wasn’t I? That’s what my mom said I was. Sometimes I felt like I was a girl. But I wanted to dress in boy clothes. I didn’t like pink or dresses or sparkles or any of the girl stuff. I wanted short hair. I was labeled a tomboy. Tomboy. TomBOY. Yes. I lik...
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An Actual Step in the Journey, AKA I'm Glad My Mom Is Dead

Hey y’all, it’s A.K. I came to a revelation today, after watching a video on YouTube about narcistic relationships, that if my mom weren’t dead, I’d be no contact. That makes me feel… I don’t know. When I was young, I was always plotting about how I was going to get away from her. Then, when I was 14, she tried to kill herself. I almost lost my mom. I remember my sister and I went into survival mode when they took her away in the ambulance. We raided the change stash and took all the quarters. We didn’t know how long we’d be away from home; our grandmother was coming to pick us up and we were going to stay with her.  I remember all the blood on the bed. My mom kept the mattress; changing the sheets was a recurring reminder. That was my first day of Freshman year of high school. My mom always ingrained into us that we were all we had, the three of us. I felt responsible for my mom. And this wasn’t the first time she had cut herself. For some reason, my instincts to flee my abuser we...
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Something Positive to Report

Hey, it’s A. K.! I have something positive to talk about instead of all the doom and gloom for once. I’m writing this at the end of the first week of school. A successful week, I might add. I’m going to community college and spring semester started this last Monday. I love all my classes (even the math class) and all my teachers seem pretty great, too. It’s only the first week, so I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I definitely think I can do this. I’m taking a Math class, Honors English, two Business classes (one in person, one online), and a Personal Growth class. I love the city I live in, because not one of my teachers is white. Lol. And my classmates are all diverse. I feel back at home (because I AM back home). Unfortunately, I’ve been having my own kind of weird culture shock. I’d been in Utah for 19 years. (That’s disgusting!) I remember when I moved to Utah (when I was 19) my mom’s husband took me to a basketball game. That was the first time I experienced culture shock....
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Sad Day

I’m sad today. I spent the day drawing… Practicing drawing my wife and I as comic book characters for a comic strip and graphic novel I have planned. We wanted to avoid all mention of what was going on today. Then, when I had reached burnout, I jumped on Reddit, for something unrelated, and I saw on r/interestingasfuck that Elon Musk gave the fucking Nazi salute. What the actual fuck is happening in our country?! Then my incredible wife goes on TikTok and gets all the tea, so to speak. And I hear Trump say, “Officially, there are now only two genders in this country, male and female.” Well, fuck me, right?? What am I now? Illegal? Imaginary? My ID and Passport invalid? The comic strip I’m working on uses being a werewolf and a vampire as an allegory for being two-spirit. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to have Lycanthropy, or being a Werewolf itself be an allegory for being trans. It’s not all fleshed out yet. But I know some how it’s really important to write/create. Even if no one re...
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Trying Hard to Persevere

Hey, everyone, it’s A.K. again. I really need to get better at writing consistently. Life has been pretty OKish. I’ve been dealing a lot with my mental health, Finally! As previously written, and in the title of this blog, I’m dealing with a lot of trauma. Mostly from my mom, but other places too. I have BPD, a lot of anxiety, cPTSD, ADD, possible Autism, “Broadcasting Thoughts”, intrusive thoughts, and who knows what else. I just started therapy last Friday and have appointments for once a week going forward. I deal with a lot of self-sabotage as well. I’ve always done it, but I’ve never cared before. But now I have an amazing wife, my dream girl since middle school, and I don’t want to self-sabotage anymore. I don’t want to destroy what I have. I’ve literally never been happier than I am now; than I have been in the past three years. And I’m so afraid of destroying it, it’s paralyzing me. I actually care this time. I’ve never cared before. With anyone in the past, I’d just go down th...
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Several Steps into the Journey A.K.A Sorry I haven’t Been Writing Consistently

Hey! It’s A.K., again. Several steps and almost a year and a half into the Journey. I’m sorry I’m not a consistent writer/poster. I’m going to work on that and try to use this as a journaling space and maybe actually SHARE the trauma I’m journeying through. Maybe it’ll help someone out there. Physically the Journey took us through several states in 2023. We went to Nevada a lot. Vegas and Wendover for the most part. Then we went through a bunch of states to go to Texas for Thanksgiving with family and Wisconsin for Christmas with family on the other side. Both trips were eventful. I should’ve been writing about them. Lol!! On our way to Wisconsin, we went through South Dakota and went by Mount Rushmore. It was ok to see, I guess. The disrespect, though, to do that. Just.. idk.. Anyway, there was a pretty bad snowstorm we were driving through. My incredible fiancé (at the time, we got married in October), who was not accustomed to driving in the snow, was driving with cruise control o...
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